adult children

    Important Information You Must Save for Your Elderly Parents

    Every time I speak before groups of baby boomers and their elderly parents, I remind them of the importance of getting all their critical information down on paper or in a computer file that can be accessed by the family if there is an emergency.

    What kind of information do you need close at hand? Copies of wills and trusts, durable powers of attorney, health care proxies and living wills should all be readily available. In addition the names and contact information for any family advisers(attorney, doctor, minister, banker etc.) should also be accessible.

    Financial information such as the name and account numbers for bank and investment accounts should be listed. In addition the beneficiary statements for IRA’s, annuities and life insurance policies should be close at hand. Make sure these are up to date, and the beneficiary has not already passed on. Also make sure there are contingent beneficiaries listed if the primary beneficiary is deceased when the funds are released.

    Last and perhaps more important than ever before, make sure the internet addresses, usernames and passwords for any online financial accounts are readily available. When one of my clients passed away, his wife did not know the internet accounts he had utilized to manage his investments. The institutions would not give her any information about the accounts. She eventually had to hire an IT specialist to hack into his accounts and it took months!

    passing the torch book smallSave info on important documents for your parents. There are a few ways to store all this information. One is a simple three ring binder. If you purchase my book, Passing the Torch: Critical Conversations With Your Adult Children, there is a section in Chapter 2 of the book called “Lifefolio” that more fully discusses the information noted above. Another approach is to copy all the information digitally into a cloud system such as Dropbox or Google Documents. Then all family members who are authorized can access the information from any computer or tablet connected to the internet.

    Whichever way you do it, do it now. You never know when there might be an emergency and you will need to access critical information for your parents.

    =======================

    PERMISSION TO REPRINT:
    =======================
    Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

    Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.

    A Caregiver’s Story (In his own words)

    I was suddenly thrown into the role of caregiver on November 21, 2005. This is the day that my wife Heather and I were stunned with the news that she had malignant pleural mesothelioma. Our lives changed from being the happy parents of a three month old daughter to a family thrown into chaos. Plans for celebrating Lily’s first Christmas were replaced with details of Heathers need for immediate treatment.

    As the doctor told us about the illness, my wife seemed to be lost in shock and disbelief. She said nothing as we were given three options for finding a specialist who would provide her treatment. The university hospital was nearby and we could choose the convenience of not having to leave the area for her treatment. Although the regional hospital had a great reputation, a developed mesothelioma program wasn’t available. Dr. David Sugarbaker specialized in mesothelioma, but that meant traveling to Boston.

    It was then that it hit me that my life had changed as much as hers. Heather seemed unable to respond to the doctor with a decision, too shocked and terrified by the news, so it was up to me to choose her care. I immediately told the doctor “Get us to Boston.” Traveling would be inconvenient, but the specialist seemed our best hope, and I was willing to do anything in the world to help her.

    Heather and I had both worked full time up until the diagnosis. After that, I could only work part time because of the time spent making appointments, travel arrangements, and the trips to Boston. Through it all, Lily still needed my attention. Heather, of course, wasn’t able to work at all. The chaos of those first two months was overwhelming. There was just so much to do, and the list continued to grow no matter how hard I tried to accomplish the needed tasks.

    This was when I was assailed by the fears of what the future might bring. I had to face that fact that my wife might die and I would be alone to raise our daughter.. The possibility of losing our home and all of our possessions because of lost income and the cost of traveling for treatments to battle the mesothelioma scared me to the point that I started to bawl my eyes out right on the kitchen floor. The added stress of keeping my fears from my wife and young daughter made me feel isolated and alone.

    I was slow to realize that we had never been alone. Friends and family stood by us, offering words of comfort and even financial assistance. Support was offered by complete strangers as well. We can’t thank them enough, but it taught me an important lesson that I can share with other cancer patients and their caregivers. Accept the help that is offered. The things to worry about are many, and any relief will reduce the stress so that you’re more able to handle the next task on the list. Emotional support may be the best offer of help. It proves that you’re not alone with your burdens.

    It’s not easy to be a caregiver to someone who has been diagnosed with a serious illness. Your life is changed to one full of uncertainty, chaos and stress. It’s a job that you can’t walk away from when you are panicked or overwhelmed. All you can do is hold on to hope, and lean on those who care about you.

    Heather is now cancer free, but months of fighting the mesothelioma through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy took us away from anything resembling a normal family routine. Although as a family we struggled through some bleak times, we never lost hope. With the support of friends, family, and strangers we were able to keep our sanity and work our way through the life challenge that threatened to destroy us.

    I’ve learned a lot from being a caregiver to a loved one with a serious illness. Possibly the most important lesson is that it takes strength to let go of pride and ask for help. No matter what the challenge, hope will keep you going, and emotional support keeps that hope alive.

    Tending to the needs of my wife and daughter while juggling the medical appointments, travel and normal household responsibilities showed me that I could manage any amount of stress. It also polished my time management skills. I was able to return to school to earn my degree two years after Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma. Fighting for Heather made me see that I was capable of doing more than I could have ever dreamed.

    When do elderly people lose their youth?

    Guest post is written by Alana Vial

    Many of us direct our intentions to ensure that we enjoy a convenient stress-free healthy elderly life.

    But when do elderly people really lose their youth and begin to fall prey to the psychological and emotional burdens of the elderly stages of life?

    Factors That Make Elderly People Lose Their Youth

    There are 3 great factors that influence the loss of one’s youth:

    1. Stress – No matter how old one becomes or how young one still is, the amount of stress greatly affects his or her ability to deal with aging. The human body experiences increased aging due to the hormones that need to be released in a stressful environment. When such processes are repeatedly experienced, the human body can no longer undergo reversible conditions thus fall prey to aging.
    2. Support and coping – No matter how great the stress that elderly people experience, as long as they have the right coping mechanisms and support sources, they will stay healthy.
    3. Information – When it comes to maintaining one’s youth, the amount of information that has been acquired to deal with all possible problems of aging matters a lot. This involves gathering as much information as possible in not only dealing with the common diseases and problems of elderly life but also maintaining quality of life despite old age.

    When do you say goodbye to your youth?

    After everything that has been said, you can easily tell when an elderly loses his or her youth. It is the point the he or she gives up and loses hope. Seeing the world through the eyes of youthfulness is seeing it with strength, hope, and glee. No matter how harsh, depressing, or hopeless a situation, with all 3 factors mentioned above adequately provided to your elderly, they will never lose their youth and fall prey to the a disastrous aging process.

    =======================

    PERMISSION TO REPRINT:
    =======================
    Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

    Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.

    Have You Attended a Death Cafe?

    At a Death Cafe people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death.

    Their objective is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’.

    A Death Cafe is a group directed discussion of death with no agenda, objectives or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counseling session.

    Death Cafes are always offered:

    – On a not for profit basis
    – In an accessible, respectful and confidential space
    – With no intention of leading people to any conclusion, product or course of action
    – Alongside refreshing drinks and nourishing food – and cake!

    Death Cafe is a ‘social franchise’. This means that people who sign up to the guide and principles can use the name Death Cafe, post events to the Death Café Website (www.deathcafe.com) and talk to the press as an affiliate of Death Cafe.

    Death Cafes have spread quickly across Europe, North America and Australia. As of today, 803 Death Cafes have been offered since September 2011.

    The Death Cafe model was developed by Jon Underwood and Sue Barsky Reid, based on the ideas of Bernard Crettaz.

    Death Cafe has no staff and is run on a voluntary basis by Jon Underwood in Hackney, East London. Also Lizzy Miles who ran the first Death Cafe in the U.S. and Megan Mooney who runs the Death Cafe Facebook page have played a significant role in Death Cafe’s development.

    People often ask why the Death Cafes are so popular. Everyone has their own reasons for getting involved in Death Cafe. See more at: http://deathcafe.com/what/#sthash.eYN3ZxOa.dpuf

    =======================

    PERMISSION TO REPRINT:
    =======================
    Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

    Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.

    What will you do with all your stuff?

    One of the greatest concerns I have noted among older couples is, “What will happen to all our stuff when we are gone?” I can remember having a family meeting with a couple in their 70s and their four adult children and noticed that mom was getting very anxious. At first I thought her anxiety was due to the fact that she was preparing to discuss her end of life planning with her children.

    But when I asked her what her concern was, she responded, “I don’t know what I am going to do with all my stuff! I have several beautiful collections and I don’t want my children fighting over the objects right after my funeral or just putting them out in the yard for a giant garage sale!”

    She admitted to me that she hadn’t slept for several nights thinking about this terrible possibility. She confided in me that her husband still wasn’t talking to his sister after 20 years because she had raided the house when their parents died and taken everything of value before he had even arrived. “I don’t want that happening in my family!” she proclaimed.

    So what did we do? I asked her to describe her valuable collections to her children at the family meeting. She then created a list of all the items and asked each child to review them. If they wanted an item they were asked to put their name next to it. If more than one wanted something, they both listed their names next to it and mom would decide who got it.

    Mom collected the lists after the family meeting, reviewed them over the next few weeks and then reported to her children who would get what. No one disputed her decisions. After all, the collections were hers and she could give them to charity if she chose. The next time I talked to her I noticed her anxiety level was significantly less. She told me that for the first time in a long time she was sleeping very soundly.

    If you are a parent, don’t do your children a disservice. Don’t leave it up to them to decide what to do with your stuff after you are gone. The loveliest relationships are often spoiled by siblings fighting over the silver forks. Meet with your children and tell them what you intend to do. If you are an adult child, strongly suggest to your parents that they follow the procedure my client did. It will save much grief and anxiety for the whole family.

    =======================
    PERMISSION TO REPRINT:
    =======================
    Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

    Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.