The Allianz American Legacies Study found that baby boomers and elders view the concepts of legacy and inheritance differently. According to the study, a true legacy is a combination of emotional and financial elements, while an inheritance is purely financial. The difference between an inheritance and a true legacy is clear and distinct, though the terms are used interchangeably and there is little evidence of an agreed way to approach either. Boomers indicate they prefer to preserve their parents’ memories than receive a financial inheritance, while elders believe their boomer children are more interested in money.

Elders are underestimating the importance of their non-financial legacy to their children. They mistakenly think financial assets and real estate are more important to their children.

Thirty-nine percent of elders say it’s very important to pass along their financial assets or real estate to their children, while only 10% of boomers see that as a priority. Boomers think knowing their parents’ future wishes are the most important part of their parents’ legacy.

Sixty-five percent of boomers say it’s very important that they receive instruction on how their parents’ wishes (about their family/death/estate) should be fulfilled.
Thirty-five percent of elders say it’s their obligation to leave an inheritance to their children. Seventeen percentof elders feel their children are counting on an inheritance, but only 4% of boomers are. Twenty-two percent of elders with children feel they owe their children an inheritance, but only 3% of boomers feel the same.

Have you had a conversation with your parents regarding the legacy they want to leave behind? Have you asked them how they want to be remembered? Are there traditions and family practices they want continued? Are their personal items that they cherish and want passed on to certain members of the family?  Are their certain charities or religious organizations that they want to be remembered by? You can open the conversation by asking your mom or dad, “How do you want the family to remember you after you are gone?” Then just sit back and listen.

For more information on The Allianz American Legacies Study, visit http://www.allianzlife.com or contact Neil Grace at (202) 530- 4558.

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Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.

For the last few years I have been focusing a lot of my time and energy on helping baby boomers begin to communicate in a meaningful way with their elderly parents. As a financial adviser I saw too many situations where families didn’t talk about crucial issues until there was a crisis in the family. As a result I wrote a book entitled,  Can We Talk?  A Financial Guide for Baby Boomers Assisting Their Elderly Parents.

I’ve also spent a lot of time doing research on what is really important to the older generation. I learned a great deal from Allianz Life’s work with elders. They engaged Age Wave to design a study of boomers and their elderly parents to find out how they dealt with important financial issues that impacted both generations. This study, The Allianz American Legacies Study, made some very interesting discoveries. Harris Interactive, who conducted the study, learned that boomers and their elders were very uncomfortable discussing the topic of leaving an inheritance but both generations embraced the idea of the parents leaving a legacy. They learned that families want to capture all facets of the elder’s life, including their family traditions and history, their stories, values and wishes..

David Solie, in his book, How To Say It To Seniors, came to similar conclusions. He learned that two things are very important to seniors. First they want to stay in control of their lives as long as possible. Second they want to discover their legacy, that which will live on after they are gone. Control seems to slip away from them each day as they start to deal with health issues and their friends and colleagues slip away.  As they try to maintain control of  their lives, they become aware that they must also learn to let go. They begin to review their lives, look at what has happened over the years and assign meaning to these events. This “Life Review” continues almost daily. It is a relentless conscious and unconscious process that they are immersed in for the rest of their lives.

How can you help your parents discover their legacy? When they tell you stories, pay close attention, especially when a story is being repeated several times. There is often an important message here. Appreciate the details of the story and listen to them carefully. Be alert to the values that the story describes. Ask open-ended questions such as, “I know how important Uncle John was to you, Mom, but I never realized how much his loss affected you, What was your life like with him when you were growing up?”

In these conversations you’ve got to be patient and understanding. But if you listen carefully, you can help your mom or dad sort out their lives and discover what their legacy will be.

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Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.

One of my very best friends and clients recently discovered that the breast cancer she had beaten 22 years ago had returned. She informed me that her doctor had discovered that the cancer had spread to her lung, back and bones and was inoperable and untreatable. She wound up in a rehab center after she broke her wrist in a fall. Her small but comfortable room had blank walls and one window with a view of the parking lot. When her daughter arrived she remarked, ”No way! It’s small. It’s bare and I thought I didn’t feel good here. I knew she didn’t.”

So her daughter  decided to do something about it. She sent out an email to all her mother’s friends, family and former parishioners (she was a retired minister). She wrote,”I need your help. I want to fill the wall with all of you, The Wall of Love.” Her mother had remarked that she had lost connection with people. The daughter replied. “We need to remove that feeling by showing her that she is surrounded with love and support.”

The response was amazing. Pictures started arriving from couples she had married, parishioners she had counseled, people she had worked with and children she had taught in Sunday School. Her daughter added some pictures from her and her husband’s past, their wedding pictures, vacation photos and other memorable events. Now all the walls are covered from floor to ceiling with pictures and artwork from all the people who love her. She commented, “I wake up in the morning , look at the walls and see my life.”

When I met with her , she asked me if I would be a part of her memorial service. She  wants it to be a celebration of her life. She mentioned that she wanted everyone in the church to join hands and form a big circle of love. In addition she wants to have a special part of the service just for children. She told me she has her music picked out. I looked her straight in the eyes and asked her, “How do you want to be remembered? What is the legacy you want to leave behind?” She looked over my shoulder at the hundreds of pictures covering the wall and gestured. “This is my legacy. These people are my legacy.”

Is there someone in your life, perhaps your mom or dad , who has lost touch with all the people who care about them? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you built them a Wall of Love? Surround them with all the pictures of people they have known in their lives, that they have touched or have touched them. Surround them with love.

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Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.

When I visited, I would talk to her a lot about her friends and relatives who had written to her or called her. Often she became confused when she tried to remember what they looked like or who they were. I found that showing her a photo of that person when I mentioned their name took away a lot of the stress and frustration, and she would recognize the person right away.

When we celebrated her 90^th birthday at a local restaurant. 12 people from the family joined her at the party. One of her nieces (Cheryl) gave her a gift card to her favorite restaurant (Ninety Nine), and she was just thrilled.

My wife, Mary, took a number of pictures of everyone who had attended the party and I loaded these pictures onto my iPad. When I visited mom the week after the party, I mentioned what a wonderful gift her niece, Cheryl, l had given her. She was confused and thought it was another niece who had given her the gift. I immediately opened up the iPad, showed her the pictures of the party and pointed to Cheryl. “There she is, right after she gave you the gift.” Mom recognized her and acknowledged how nice it was of her to be so generous.

I often used pictures from my iPad to put Mom back in touch with the important events and people in her life. One of my projects involved I borrowing all my parents’ old photo albums and scanning hundreds of pictures into iPhoto on my computer. My dad had been a real photo buff and often developed many of his own pictures. Several of these pictures were classic shots of both my parents when they were quite young. I have a wonderful photo of my mom in her beautiful white high school graduation gown. She looks absolutely stunning! I’ve also got several pictures of mom and dad as young sweethearts.

I downloaded hundreds of these pictures onto my iPad and divided them into several albums representing different periods in my Mom’s life. When we would talk, she would often ask questions like, ”When did you get married? Was I there?” I would then go directly to the pictures of our wedding and show her that she was, in fact, there and looked quite attractive. We would go through a number of pictures from her past and discuss the events around them. She loved to look at pictures of my father when he was a sharp young soldier during WW ll. That would lead into extensive conversations about how great a father and husband Dad was.

The iPad made it so easy to share pictures with her. The photos take up the whole screen and are quite clear. We could make pictures smaller or larger by squeezing or extending our fingers on the screen. Mom could change photos by just brushing her finger across the screen or tapping it. It was such a wonderful tool to share memories with her.  Frankly, I don’t know how I could have shared all these memories with her without it. The iPad enriched each visit we had together. And that made all the difference in my visits with her.

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PERMISSION TO REPRINT:
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Financial Advisors may reprint any articles from The Gift of Communication Blog in your own print or electronic newsletter. But please include the following paragraph:

Reprinted from Bob Mauterstock’s The Gift of Communication Blog. Subscribe at http://www.GiftofCommunication.com  and receive Bob’s Family Meeting Checklist Guide.