Estate planning is such an ominous term. Most of us try to avoid it as long as possible because it deals with our death and ultimate demise. I would rather we rename it “Transition Planning”. It is the planning we must do for our parents and ourselves to avoid legal delays and complications when the ownership and/or control of our assets shifts to another person or entity.

I have observed a number of situations where estate planning was not done properly. One that is still vivid in my mind involves one of my clients who was a retired physician. He was failing both physically and mentally when his wife decided to place him in a nursing home. She began making decisions regarding his finances, continuing to use their joint check book to pay the bills and make purchases, etc. Then without warning, she was contacted by the attorney of the Doctor’s first wife’s family stating that she had no authority to act in his behalf even though she was his second and current wife.

The family alleged that she was acting irresponsibly and making financial decisions that would result in the depletion of the Doctor’s assets so that nothing would be left for his  children. Unfortunately,she had no document that stated she had the right to act in his behalf. She was forced to go to Probate Court to prove that he was incompetent and become his conservator. (A conservator has the legal right to act on behalf of a mentally incompetent individual.)

She had to testify before a judge in probate court that her husband was incompetent—an event that proved very embarrassing for the whole family. The judge ruled that the Doctor could not handle his own affairs and his wife was named as his conservator. But the legal process took more than a month.

The whole mess could have been avoided if the Doctor had signed a very short three page document called a “Durable Power of Attorney” while he was still healthy. This document gives an individual the right to make financial decisions for you when you are no longer able to make decisions for yourself. A regular power of attorney only allows you to act in the person’s behalf if they are mentally competent. The “Durable” power works regardless of the individual’s mental state.

“My daughter is insisting I move in with her,” complains Martha. “She just wants to control my life and take away my freedom,” she continues.

Jenny, Martha’s daughter worries that her mother keeps falling, and fears one day she will break her hip or hit her head.

“I’ll take my sister to court before I will let her get control of mom and my inheritance,” exclaims Jim about Jenny’s desire to move her mother in with her.

It is amazing how quickly formerly cordial relationships between family members will sour when the family has to deal with care of elderly parents or inheritance at their death. Sometimes the consequence of dealing with the final years of elderly parents can break families apart and create long-lasting animosity.

The National Care Planning Council has seen an increase in requests from caregiving children for help in solving disputes with siblings. In one case, the caregiver was being sued by her sister for abusing their parent and stealing the Social Security checks. In another, the caregiving child would not allow siblings to see their mother, claiming they would take advantage of her.

A lot of times it is a “she said,” “he said” situation with neither party really understanding what the elder person needs or wants.

Some families find it hard to communicate with each other when their parent is in need of care. Perhaps when they grew up together they were not accustomed to come together as parents and children to work out problems. And now those children are older and taking care of parents and they don’t have this family council strategy to rely on. It may seem unnatural to them. But that is often exactly what is needed, especially in situations where perhaps one child is caring for the parents and the others are left out of the loop.

Children all have a common bond to their parents and as a result a common obligation or responsibility to each other. When disagreements arise, suspicions begin to grow. Suspicions or distrust often lead to anger and the anger often leads to severing the channels of communication between family members. This can occur between parent and child or between siblings or between all of them.

It is often at this point that a neutral third party can come in and repair the damage that has been done and help correct the problems that have come about because of the disagreement.

A practitioner experienced in elder mediation is a perfect choice for solving disagreements due to issues with the elderly. You can learn more about Elder Mediation at mediate.com